In a dream

....I have boundless energy. I carry enormous burdens without wincing, my brow not furrowed when eyes cast to God.

...I know what you need, because you are so important to me. I know what I need, and oblige. I'm important to me too.

...money is a concept more than foreign, an entity no more considered than pants on a hamburger. Home is underfoot and the floor is as granite: unwavering.

...I live with the sure knowledge, not needing recognition or description, that I am God...and God is I. We are one seeking ourself.

Errata:

I thought of my mother the other day. I was having lunch by myself on the job and found myself speaking to her. As I questioned why I would do such an ostensibly absurd thing, I found I was more truly asking a louder, deeper question: "If you're around, if you even have the faintest of consciousness to any of this, please let me know." At the precise moment I became aware of what I was asking so deeply, I noticed some movement to my right. I turned in my chair to see a mouse, standing, staring at me, just out of arm's reach. Moments into the encounter, as dissonance flooded my mind, the mouse ambled behind some wood. "Hey, little friend, you needn't be frightened of me," I entreatied, "come on over. I can share my lunch with you." At that, the mouse walked quietly over and sat directly beneath me in the chair. Psychically stammering, I cut a piece of tortilla and dropped it to my left, whereupon the mouse gladly picked it up and scurried behind a plastic pail to eat it.

I left the mouse some rice, beans, and more tortilla in the container placed on the floor and went back to work.

The container was washed clean by the time I left for home.

Rob Base and DJ E Z Rock

What, pray tell, does Rob Base have to do with any of this? I'm so glad you asked!

They created the ever-prescient song Joy and Pain, the gist of which is, not a big surprise, the omnipresent duality in life...."sunshine, and rain" as is sung. And so it is with not a little unclarity that we commemorate the passing of my mother on this day, two years ago. We had a strange relationship that felt to me often that just calling on the phone was to stick my hand blindly into a basket of rattlesnakes. Perhaps not the most pleasant of images, but apt nonetheless. She had baggage that predated my birth, baggage that weighed so very heavily on her daily, baggage that I somehow managed to get packed into apparently from the moment of birth. I have not unwound the ball of emotional yarn even nearly yet, what with all the knots and snarls.

At our worst, I feared her more than any human on the earth, and her proclivity for emotionally filleting me was second to none. I was the bag she beat on, the dog she kicked at the end of a bad day. I never reached the apogee of hatred, per se, but rather remained bewildered and groping in a haze of constant surprise (naïveté on my part, to be sure).

Nor do I think, presently, she necessarily hated me, which offers some comfort. My mother was a devestatingly sad and injured soul wandering this earth, and I was merely a reminder of many sad and injurious years of her life, and it has taken many years just to understand this part, and now to begin to unravel the truth that that was not my fault. Powerful stuff on those days I can remain in that vibration.

I look back with some genuine fondness nowadays. She was, after all is said and done, my mother; I was of her flesh and blood and bone. Being a parent, I understand that there are profound implications of love that run deeper and broader than any human spectrum can comprehend between a child and its parent, and she most certainly posessed that love as well. And perhaps now that I am a modicum wiser, a bit more sure of myself, I even miss her. I loved her profoundly always on earth, and I love her even more now.

To my mother: we never had it easy, and we did the very best we could with the strengths and weaknesses we had. I hope you look as fondly on me and my family as we look to you. It was an honor and a real blessing to be with you at the time of your passing, and I thank you for allowing us to be there. I love you so very much, and I am working diligently on genuine forgiveness. I hope you're well and learning all you need in the loving hands of God, in tender Mercy and infinite Grace.

Joy and pain, sunshine and rain.

Hard time with this ship.

Okay, here we go. The seas are rough, brothers and sisters, have no doubt. Why must this world be like this, you may find yourself asking, to which I've come to respond, "It's not the world, it's society" that shapes the crests and deep-bellied troughs. Staring out over an ocean of mediocrity and expenditure of energy to increase capital for wealthy capitalists, and the ebb of economic tides sends us plebian crabs skittering for any ort of paying labor we can manage to grasp in our atrophying claws. The neap of available workforce delights the hungry gulls on the shoreline, a workforce wide-eyed, scared, and lost in the twilight of confusion and fear that has obscured the warm sunlight of security like pollution being pumped from the factory stacks inland.
I don't like the idea that now we work for medical benefits, job security, and lowered wages in exchange for a bonded family and joyous life. "Are you willing to work 60 hours per week?", "Are you willing to work nights, weekends, and holidays?" These ubiquitous queries are, and with full intention, emotional tenderizers preparing the unfortunate candidate for the fires of the oven.
Wanna jump on the big American cruise ship of capitalism? Get ready for a harsh dose of spiritual scurvy, mateys.

The breakfast was a rousing success, with total net donation to the family over $700. The event was covered by no fewer than five media sources, including the two newspapers in the area, and we all had a really great time doing it. We served more than our goal of 100 people and hope to make it a regular event. Feels pretty good!

We kept the children home from school on Tuesday so they could witness all the history unfolding with us at home. For all the bane attached to the television (not the least of which from within these very walls), we were very grateful to have had access to the events of the day from the warmth of our own home. Amidst all the tears of peace and joy, the cheering and clapping and general hooting and hollaring, I think we all came away with something that will live like Emily Dickinson's bird of poem in our hearts for the rest of our lives.

Let's carry this pervasive energy of hope and compassion for as long as our spirits are able.

Sharing the Dream

Don't forget that in revernce for the late Dr. King, the holiday celebrated as "Martin Luther King, Jr. Day" was established as a national holiday (day off from work) in order for Americans to be of service to their communities and beyond.

Anyone local can come to St. Peter's from 8 until 11 in the morning Monday, where Marcy and has organized a pancake breakfast under the auspices of the Youth Group. The idea being that one should have a hearty breakfast prior to undertaking a day of service. 100% of the proceeds will benefit the family in Chatham that lost their home to fire recently. With an infant and two older children, the total loss has been even more devestating for the family to bear. Many local service-providers and retailers have generously donated thus far, with both financial capital and locally-grown/produced goods. More than a hundred are expected, and we'll be ready for even more, so don't be shy!

For my friends more far-flung, what a terrific opportunity to show gratitude and Grace in action. Rock on! Change is the popular contemporary mantra, and all change starts from within, so why not get out there and help someone else. God knows we all need to...nothing, absolutely nothing, compares to the feeling of selfless giving, and Monday is the opportunity to just get on board and do it...and all in the memory of a gifted and brilliant leader.

Have a blast out there with your friends and neighbors!

Like Tubing the Approach to Niagra Sometimes

On an early Queen album (as in, 1973), there's a line with a modestly triumphant tune that goes "Funny how love is everywhere you're bound to be...", and it gets stuck in the reel in my mind every now and again, and tonight was one such evening.



Elephants. Our son is passionately fascinated with them, has been for possibly eternity. As I was saying goodnight this evening, I noticed he was crying, and when I asked him what was going on, he burst out in tears and pointed to a cartoon of, of all things, two presumably Neanderthals (literally) hunting a mammoth. It's a kids' book ostensibly, so the images were highly stylized, with googly-eyes on the mammoth, the hunters' no different. But tragically, deeply effected he was.



Truth is: I punted. I mentioned that it was just a cartoon, and when that went over like, well...lead...I went to the door and called for The Mom.



She's good, very kind and infinitely compassionate, and spoke with him very briefly but effectlively. Then she had the chore of explaining life to me. Ha! At any rate, I gathered up an elephant that she had given me for Christmas years ago and headed upstairs. It's beautiful: all legs, trunk, ears, tali and neck are articulated, and it is hand-hewn from a single block of wood, festooned with tapestries and jewels (in paint). It was given to me as a marionette, but upon gazing at it hours after receiving it, I cut all the twine from it to set it free. It actually completely altered the creature.



So anyway, I went upstairs and made the point that the elephant in my hands represented the Indian elephants that are regarded as dieties and exalted with passage and jewels. After describing how they live, I shared a short moment from personal experience with one of my greatest teachers. He made the point that life was vastly less complex if only we do the next right thing. I said, "How do I know what the next right thing is?" His reply was classic Chris-ism. He said, "Just do what's in front of you."






Like it's just that simple.

At any rate, I explained that what that means for us is that we have a choice at nearly every turn to decide: do we want to be ivory-hunters or do we want to view elephants in awe as gifts from God? We discussed that it's not always easy, that we all stumble every day, and that it's about progress, not perfection. Blah blah blah. But sheee-it, did it get me thinking.

Love when that happens.

I'm giving my notice at work on Monday. Marcy has been offered the greatest compliment in that they've not only extended her position, but are currently creating an even greater one for her. She has steadfastly pushed me to move on some other things, and now some are moving toward me as well. I'm fucking miserable at this job. I once again have been put in nearly impossible, no-win situations and shit on for even being there. Problem is (and I have a high threshlold for discomfort in this regard) I end up carrying this sack of shit home with me. The kids are typically in bed by the time I get home, but I wake up ready to chew through the wall, which isn't really that great either. The children have moved so far away from me anymore, and Marcy often just goes to bed to avoid a tirade. At the same time, here comes this glorious news ("news") that the unemployment rate is approaching double-digits, the market is set to fall, pandemonium in the streets and bedlam at the door.

But here's the thing: I've lately been realizing that A) my priority is to be a husband and father, first and foremost, B) I won't get another shot at this, i.e. the kids will never be young again, and C) what am I going to have to look back on when I'm 90? Pay stubs, or relationships with my family full of Grace and Love? And what of the fear? The fear is that we'll nose-dive and crash financially and end up living in her parents' basement or something, I guess. But of course, the current picture is nearly that bleak anyway. And add in how the question was posed to me last week by an esteemed teacher, "Sounds like the choice between Faith and fear.....and what would happen if you took 'The Leap' anyway?"

Indeed.

I'm taking the leap. I love my family way too much. I love my life way too much. I do not believe that God has intended for me (or anyone, really) to be bound by shackles of money, that imaginary, illusory commodity we've all agreed means something. My hands tremble still, to even utter the notion, but I want so much to have my family back, and when push comes to shove, I suppose yes, I am more willing to take The Leap than live in fear and misery.

Life is getting better by the moment, this I do believe. I do believe that Grace is available if only I'm willing to receive it. Happens all the time. All the time, and without fail.

I don't always know what to say or how to respond in this world, and certainly that applies to my own children. I never got the instruction manual. But my love for them is ferocious and empassioned, and I will wear it like a crown and mantle while protecting them like a lion. My wife is perhaps the greatest of blessings in my life. She is strong and wise, and soft and quiet. She guides me and helps me to strive for greater than what my limited human mind can grasp. My love for her is eternal and brighter than the sun.

I am a good father, and I am a good husband, and my legacy will not only be that, but that I lived in Freedom and Gratitude. I am but a servant, forever filled with humility and awe, and I ain't servin' money.

May we continue to know the Prescence of God in all we do.
Let's revere the elephants and show gratitude in our days!
Most of all, may we all tread the path of Light with Love in our hearts and minds.

Smoke and Mirrors sans Mirrors

So as I began to expound in reply to one of Zee's entries on Sunburstgem, I realized I had a lot wound up in this ball of yarn in my noggin.
Oh, the gloom and doom and dire forebodings of the market collapsing and giant corporations tanking and people running mad in the streets. All with the basketball sized pill that the Detroit Three execs rolled up on Washington to plead for money...in their own private jets. Paying taxes this year, anybody? Anybody?
The deal is this: what is the effect on me, lower-middle-class tax bracket guy? Well, at first I thought: not much. The price of fuel is falling which seems like a good thing (I try my very best not to entertain my most cynical thoughts as to that ridiculously volitile market and the reasons driving that farce). I'm not seeing too dramatic a reduction in sales at work, and a lot of folks are saying they're not really aware of any downward trends there, either. But a large factory recently closed in Hudson, just down the way, and that may be a sign. Hmm.
Here's what I've concluded, and in this order (I say that in truth as well as because it kinda makes me chuckle...I don't know why): regardless, and I mean 100% regardless of authentic, genuine experience of the world around us, the media is throwing this market-collapse shit at us like rabid chimps on Ex-Lax. No kidding. It is very nearly impossible to escape the storm of harrowing "news". So as the casual observer of my authentic world, I see a lot of smoke but can't even smell a fire. And so it is with consciousness, I believe: an energy has been generated by this tidal wave of media reporting and whether we choose to hear it/see it/read it/belive it, it's there, it's here, all around us and seeping into our very psychic pores as we merely exist contemporarially. Why this miasma? I'm not sure. Oh I have ideas, but then again you probably do too. Suffice it to say that someone (read: small groups of people) are benefitting heartily from chasing this population of buffalo off the cliff, and even more money is changing hands by the day. This, my friends, I believe.
It's really too bad that it has to be this way, too. But there again, if it is, then surely it must be meant to be so. That's what Faith would have us believe, and sometimes that's bitter and enormous and downright painful....but it's as near Truth for me as I'm able to give anymore. Marcy and the kids and I, animals too, are going to make it, our lives and our life together are amazing, every day, and I really honestly and with all my heart believe that we'll spend the rest of our earthly days with our hearts neatly nestled in this miraculous Truth. We've (collectively) been through the crucible and, sometimes, we think that we just may be there again and again, and that's becoming more and more okay with us.
Marcy and I have come to a very different place with each other. We laid in bed and discussed life the other night. How we ended up where we are, how we need to improve on our situation. How we're going to move through this to the next level, and how we're going to carry the family. Who are you? Remember when we got married? What a glorious time! We were so in love, and so carefree. I still love you madly and God knows I wouldn't want to do this with anybody else. One in billions to me and I'm so very grateful for you in my life.
Our life is fantastic, very much like a fantasy. We have each other, we have our beautiful babies, and we share our space with some pretty amazing sentient beings. Would I do it all over again? In a heartbeat, even on a bad day, and they've been plentiful. All that shit, all the pain and the heartache and the excrutiating pain of loss and lonliness, all so remarkably hot in order to forge this amazing life. Well done, God, well done! We wouldn't turn down a few good breaks, but we get it! Wonderful! Not orgasmically giddy or delusional with abject, laughing happines, but a quiet knowledge that as my understanding (Faith, I think) grows, just to that extent does my inner peace and warm, easy joy. What a wonderful gift. I am really, truly humbled to even consider it.

Oh yeah, that miasma? I'm guessing it'll always be there. But so will my Bella, coming home from school with pictures she's drawn of us as a family with her response to the question inside of "What are you thankful for?" being just the word God surrounded by all different colored hearts, fluttering around the word.
The media will tell me that the darkness has descended on the world market, and Casen will still bring home another Good Citizen award, I have no doubt.
My baby will wake up and awaken me with a big, awkward kiss and we'll play bonk until she's ready for a diaper change. My wife will love me for this soul that lives inside me, with all it's glory and pain, and will show me for all time that it is a Truth. My animal friends will remind me that I can make the biggest difference in the Universe today, right now, by choosing Love.
And God willing, that's exactly what I'll do.
Thank you for your time and consideration and all your wonderful, loving thoughts. It is all given back tenfold.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wtjs0L5Gxlc
The above link, if it works, is something I've found so inspirational as to pull me back from some depths as of late. May it be so with you!